Change Your Clothes
Last Thursday we completed a four-week virtual workshop focused on personality preferences. Each participant received an extensive profile outlining their unique preferences, strengths, and opportunities for growth. We then dove into how they could leverage this new awareness for the benefit of themselves and the people they interact with at work and at home.
Many believe this awareness is groundbreaking in helping them remove the subjective blinders we all possess and become exposed to a new objective view of the world around them. Most people are able to see where this information fills gaps in their own personal development and how to apply simple tweaks to enhance their effectiveness. However, often concern of manipulation, “acting,” or being inauthentic creates a timid approach for some to proceed in using this information when interacting with others.
It’s understandable and honorable to share these concerns, however, are they realistic? Would you have gone on that second date with your current spouse without making a good impression on the first one? Would that job interview have culminated in an offer letter from your employer had you not been conscious about how you showed up to the meeting? Take it one step further – how many of your current friends, or even family, would exist in your life if you did not wear clothes when you spent time together? We all contort our behavior, speech, and personality throughout the day to adapt to changing circumstances, feedback, and relationships. However, to allow for the best outcome in our interactions with others it is important that we consciously choose how we show up in order to optimize the experience and help reach our desired outcomes.
For example, women typically wear a formal dress and men a nice suit or perhaps a tuxedo to a wedding because the occasion requires it. Finely dressed family and friends celebrating a wedding enriches the environment for all and supports the atmosphere of the moment. On the other hand, wearing that gown or tux to a sporting event would be rather uncomfortable physically for the wearer and would certainly distract the people in close proximity. The same can be true for our behavior and approach to interacting with others. To promote a positive experience and enrich the relationships with the people we interact with, we need to cloak ourselves with the appropriate demeanor, tone, and mindset to fit the style of the people we are working with. We are not modifying our behavior for malevolent reasons but rather to develop healthy relationships.
So how can we provide a better experience for the people we interact with? How can we promote healthier relationships and show up as our best self while also supporting the promotion of others’ best self?
Understand our natural preferences.
Do we tend to process information quickly or rather prefer time to review and better understand the information that is presented? Do we speak up quickly or wait for others to respond before interjecting? Do we ask, “Who will this impact?” or “How will this impact the project?” Are we comfortable starting without a plan or prefer to have every step laid out before jumping in?
It is important to understand what you default to and how others perceive you so you know where you are starting.
Identify our desired outcome.
What are we looking to achieve? Do you need a decision to be made? Do you want to understand people’s opinions on a topic? Are you soliciting feedback?
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get.”
“I don’t much care where.”
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
If you don’t know what you are trying to achieve, it makes it hard to set clear expectations and to even know if you have reached your goal.
Understand what others’ need.
Take a minute and think about how you typically prefer to function. It is natural to think your way is “right” and yes, it may be right for you, but is the person you are interacting with receiving the information for maximum absorption? Consider what they need in this moment AND what will help you reach your desired outcome.
“Change our clothes.”
Once you understand what someone needs in a situation and what behaviors will help you reach your desired outcome, you then need to use the right behaviors for the occasion (just like deciding if you are going to wear a tux or a band tee-shirt).
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I had a client who, during a conversation very reminiscent of the above, commented, “I don’t get it… my wife always says she wants me to ask how her day is and actually listen to her response. If I go home tonight and actually do that, won’t she know I am only doing it because she asked me to do it?”
And the actual answer is yes… she will probably know… but does it matter? What is your desired outcome? The answer has something to do with building a healthy relationship with your wife. Maybe it’s even more basic then that – not to argue.
“Maybe,” I answered. “But try it tonight. Walk in and ask how her day is… and actually listen to her response. Then tell me if she cares you are only doing it because she asked. My guess is she will light up like a Christmas tree and be thrilled.”
He called the next day… it worked.
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Interested in joining for one of our virtual workshops? We are continuing to add offerings! Check them all out here.
