Building Trust: Showing Up & Being Seen (part one)
Do you want your associates engaging in more authentic conversations? Giving and receiving honest feedback? Giving a discretionary effort on a daily basis? Lowering turnover rates? So does every organization. However, wanting to see these results will do nothing to move the needle. If these outcomes are to be reached, organizations have get to the root of why conversations are not authentic, why people abstain from giving feedback, why there is a lack of accountability, and why people continue to leave. The root of these issues is a lack of trust and until organizations work to build trust, they will not see a change in their associate's behavior.
The challenge with trust is just because you want it - or tell someone to have it… doesn't mean you get it. You have to build trust - and it takes time. Trust is hard to define but easy to identify when it is missing. I watch companies wrestle with how to define “trust” and “integrity” when they select these words as organizational values. People will look at me and say, “You can’t really explain it, you just have to have it.” I believe if we cannot explain it - if we can not put behaviors behind it - then we cannot expect alignment to it. Therefore, we are going to back up and look at the elements we can incorporate into our interactions with those whom we wish to build trust. Building trust is broken down into two components, Showing Up and Being Seen. Each of those components have two elements which underpin it:
Showing up
-Consistency
-Connectivity
Being Seen
-Transparency
-Vulnerability
We crave trust because when we can trust, our life is simplified. If I trust you to complete a task, I do not have to use my capacity to think about that task. If I trust you to keep me employed, I can focus on doing my best work opposed to looking for a job. In Michael Wakefield and Kerry A. Bunker's essay, Leader Development in Times of Change, they mention, “interpersonal trust functions to reduce complexity in decision processes and social relationships.” When we trust, the complexity of the decisions I make related to that trust become simpler.
This post we will walk through the elements of Showing Up - Consistency and Connectivity . Check out our second post to dive deeper into the elements of Being Seen - Transparency and Vulnerability.
SHOWING UP
Consistency
“Consistency is the true foundation of trust. Either keep your promises or do not make them.” (Quote by Roy Bennett) People learn what to expect by witnessing your behavior across time. As they have proof of your consistency, they increase their trust in how you will behave next time they need to rely on that behavior. The biggest challenge in consistency is when there is an attempt to change someone's perception of your consistency.
I work with the leadership team at a large company. The leadership team, up until a few years ago, was run from a command and control method with the mentality of “you don’t need to know the details, just do your job.” When there was a transition of that leadership team, the new (current) team made a concerted effort to be seen differently, even though they walked in carrying the perception of the last team. They made a commitment to increase transparency and empowerment. Yet, years later, the company still talks about the leadership team as missing these two key factors. When this was discussed in an executive team meeting, the frustration was obvious. The President pushed back from the table and exclaimed, “That can’t be how they see us! We have been working on that for years!” It was the opportunity to reminder them that every time the company sees them align with transparency and empowerment, they give the leadership team a point. Every time they see them un-aligned with transparency and empowerment, they take 100 points from the leadership team. It is a game that you have to consistentlyscore. One mistake sends you back to the bottom of the mountain only to start the climb again.
The same is true for when an individual attempts to change an individual behavior. My husband so loving pointed out that I tend to “nit-pick” (to use his word) on small things that really do not matter (at least to him). After receiving this feedback a few times, I realized that is not how I want to show up with him. I find myself seeing something and abstaining from commenting… and the world goes round. However, the second I default to my “nit-picking ways,” we go right back to the conversation about how I am always “nit-picking.” By the way, me pointing out that there are many times I keep my mouth shut does not seem to help my case!
Whether it is behavior or performance, we need to consistently show we are able to meet and exceed the expectation. In Mackey’s and Sisodia’s Conscious Capitalism, they mention what conscious leaders do: "[…] help people grow and evolve as individuals and as leaders in their own right, and they make tough moral choices with clarity and consistency.” We can only be consistent if we have made a clear decision on what we are to be consistent about. Bill George has always said, “[y]our True North is what you believe at the deepest level, what truly defines you - your beliefs, your values, your passions, and the principles you live by.” Once you have identified what yours is, you have to be willing to align your behaviors, actions, thoughts, and words to your True North.
To Be Consistent:
-Only promise what you can deliver
-Stay committed to a behavior change
Connectivity
People crave connection. They want to be heard and their contributions to be valued. Trust is built when people believe you are acting with positive intent. That genuine “I care about you” attitude gives people the confidence they matter and are a part of something bigger than themselves.
I have watched people receive the exact same feedback from two different people and have drastically different reactions. When someone has a healthy relationship with the individual providing feedback, they are appreciative even if they are disappointed. They are curious even if they are hesitant to accept it. They see it as a chance to grow their relationship, opposed to a barrier to success. When people receive the exact same feedback from someone who they have an unhealthy relationship with - the response is the exact opposite. They are frustrated. They become defensive. They see it as a hinderance to their relationship.
We have an emotional bank account with every person we interact. Each of those emotional bank accounts experience daily deposits and withdrawals. Just like a normal bank account, our goal is to keep the account full - at least not to overdraft our account. Every positive interaction is a deposit, and every not-so-positive interaction is a withdraw. Withdraws are occasionally necessary - but we never want to pull from an account that cannot sustain the withdraw.
When Gottman (of The Gottman Institute) studied what makes relationships successful (he specifically looked at romantic relationships), he found that deposits and withdraws are not equally weighed. It takes five positive deposits to every one withdraw. Ask yourself - who do you need to make a deposit with? We interact with people on a moment-to-moment basis and often those interactions are self serving. We want to be heard. We want to contribute. We want to feel connected. We start leading when we are able to hit pause on our reaction, consider the desired outcome from an interaction, and act in alignment with that desired outcome. You may want to zone out in front of the television in the evenings, but your desire is to have a deep, meaningful connection with your spouse. Does watching the 7th season of Suits (for the fifth time) deepen that connection or is that an instant gratification, reaction move? Does fixing an error on a set of architectural drawings and sending them off to the client support the associate who made the mistake make a contribution and develop for next time or is the instant gratification, reaction move? We need to focus on the connection we have with others.
To Be Connected:
-Value people’s contributions
-Seek to understand
Showing up takes effort. It requires intention and purpose on a moment-to-moment basis. It means we have to be aware of our behavior (and it’s alignment to who we say we are) and keep people at the forefront of our actions. We always have the choice of how we show up and reacting to the moment, opposed to making a conscious choice, is still a choice. Choose to show up as the best version of yourself. If we choose the best version of ourselves often enough, we become that person!
Check out the second post to dive deeper into the elements of Being Seen - Transparency and Vulnerability.
You can download our Building Trust Behaviors here.
