Who Needs Your Love?
I believe feedback is love. I terminated an employee once and (although I had given this individual plenty of feedback up until this point) I gave them feedback during the final conversation. I did this to show love. I wasn't obligated to provide an additional level of feedback, I did it because I believed, if they could hear the message, it would help support their success in their next adventure.
There are many ways to show love, yet we default to showing it through gifts and other forms of extravagance. If we can take a broader look at what the intention of showing our love is (To create a safe space for someone? To help that person reach their potential? To show appreciation?), we can determine a wider breadth of ways to show our love. Below are five different characters in your life that may need love and multiple ways to show that love:
-Yourself
-Your Partner
-Your Employees
-Your Boss
-A Random Stranger
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I NEED LOVE
You are responsible for making sure you get what you need. And interestingly enough, the recent pandemic has given people a bit of confidence in this space. 73% of American's were more conscious of needing self-care in 2020 than before and 80% of Americans have are committed to being more mindful about regular self-care practices (since the pandemic). Yet, even with 80% of American's wanting to be more mindful of self-care practices, I am doubtful we will actually see that jump. I don't think most people even know what to do for self-care, and end up scrolling through social media, zoning out in front of the TV, or working (at home or a job) during time that could be better used for self-care practices. You can see our article of 52 Self-Care Practices (you can do one a week for a year!) or be intentional about the below:
Drink a Big Glass of Water. I always say this, but it's because I don't think we default to it. If you need a little love - drink a big glass of water. Hydration will help you. We talk about the benefits of drinking water in our article, Kick off Your Morning.
Take Time for a Brain Dump. When I hear people say they need some self-care, it is typically because they are stressed out. When we are stressed out, we typically are not sure what to do to move ourselves forward. If you are anything like me, taking time to "relax" just stresses me out more. Set your timer for 15-30 minutes and, with a blank sheet(s) of paper, do the following:
1 - look through your planner and write down any task that you have yet to complete.
2 - look through your calendar (next two weeks) and write down any task that you need to complete.
3 - add any other task you can think of to that list (clean office, pick up meds, order dog food, etc.).
4 - identify any task on that list that takes less than two minutes... and do them now.
5 - highlight any task that needs to be done today.
6 - figure out what tasks need to be completed tomorrow.
7 - start working on your today tasks!
Play the 11-Star Game. What is one thing you are doing at a 3-or 4-star level? Be honest with yourself. Sometimes it is hard to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are not doing your best. It is also one of the best ways to start doing your best. If you don't realize there is a gap between where you are and where you want to be, you won't even know to work on closing it. Once you identify what you are doing at a 3-or 4-star level, document what it would look like to do it at a 5-star level.
Now think about what it would look like at a 6-star level. Now a 7-star level. Challenge yourself to keep taking it up a notch until you get to 11-stars. Maybe it isn't realistic, but now you have multiple ways to improve!
Turn Off Your Phone. What? Did you even know it has a power button? Turn off your phone and work on one thing. Your phone is too easily a distraction and sometimes, showing love is helping someone be successful. Help yourself be successful by getting rid of the distraction. The chance of there being an emergency is very slim, and you will turn your phone back on soon.
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MY PARTNER NEEDS LOVE
Why is it that the people we say we love the most get us at our worst? We are quickest to snap at them, have an attitude with them, roll our eyes at them. And on one hand, it makes sense - they are closest to you and (hopefully) love you unconditionally. On the other hand... it makes no sense - they are closest to you and love you unconditionally. We should show them that love right back. So what are some ways we can do it?
Make Something Easier at Home. There are days when my husband takes ownership of taking the dogs out during the day and heating up my lunch and brining it to the office. There are days where that responsibility falls on me. We both run our own businesses and sometimes one of us needs an extra hand. What can you do to help ease the burden at the house one day or even one evening?
Ask Your Partner on a Date. Let's face it - both with the pandemic and life in general, a "special night out" tends to fall low on the priority list. Shake it up and ask your partner out on a date! It doesn't have to be super fancy, expensive, or time consuming. It just has to be a moment to hit pause and be intentional about being together. The date can be as simple as cooking at home and playing chess while you eat.
Ask a Follow Up Question. Get really curious about their life. Did they mention a meeting they were looking forward to this week? Ask about it! Have they been stressing about a project? Ask them to share their progress with you. It feels like love when someone remembers something you said and expresses enough interest to spend time listening to you talk about it. Great second level questions to consider:
-What are you learning through this?
-What are you going to do next?
-How do you get everyone on board with that?
-Who else is involved?
-What are the next steps?
-What do you hope this turns into?
Leave Them a Love Note. It can be as simple as a post-it note on the bathroom mirror. You can drop a note into their lunch box, leave one on the dash of their car, or put it on their keyboard on their desk. Just something so they know you are thinking of them!
Reinforce a Behavior You Asked for. We have a powder room in the back of the house and we keep cleaning products under the sink. We have two dogs in the house and I get paranoid about them getting into chemicals. Zach (my husband) used to leave the door open often. I told him I thought it was important for us to keep the door shut, he didn't share my sentiment, so my (passive aggressive) approach every time I found to door open was to close it very loudly. This lead to a lot of frustration on both our parts. Then one day, we sat down and actually spoke about it. I expressed my perspective and he committed to work on making sure the door was always closed.
A few weeks after that conversation, Zach off-handedly said, "You know, I have been working really hard on closing the bathroom door and you haven't once acknowledged it." And he was totally right. It was almost always closed. The only time I commented on the door was when I found it open; "Hey honey, remember we want to keep this door shut!" And I never commented on the fact that he was making that change. And that would have shown a lot of love.
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MY EMPLOYEE NEEDS LOVE
65% of employees desire more feedback. That includes constructive feedback as well as positive feedback.
We all know how much we appreciate feedback - it gives us confidence on direction we are moving, what we are contributing, that we are appreciated, and how we can continue to grow. However, it still is the thing employees are craving. Just by looking at that statistic - 65% of employees desire more feedback. We don't give it enough. Here is a list of ways you can give your employees love:
Empower Them. Is there something they are really good at? Give them permission to own that process.
One of my executive clients had a direct report sending her a report every morning so she (the executive) could review it, edit it if necessary, and then send it out to her executive team. She typically got the report by 8:30am, but often didn't have time to review it until early afternoon and, on average, was sending to the executive team around 1pm. The executive was leaving for a business trip that would keep her occupied for three days straight. Her and I were discussing what she could delegate. As she is telling me about this report, I asked how often she has to make edits. "Oh, gosh, almost never! And the edits I have made are super minor." So I asked what the harm would be if she had her direct report send the report directly to the executive team? She put it in place with resounding positive feedback. The employee was appreciative of the trust, the executive team loved getting the report by 8:30am, and my client was thrilled to take something off her daily plate!
Give Them Permission to (fill in the blank). Sometimes we are waiting for our boss to give us permission. Think about what your people need. Do they need permission to:
-Rest
-Make a decision
-Get creative
-Ask a question
-Leave the office
-Give feedback
If so, give it to them. It is as easy as saying, "I have been really impressed with the work you have done in this area. I would like to hand this decision to you to make. If you need something, you let me know, but please know I support whichever choice you make."
Talk About Their Future. I had a prospective client call once for an emergency situation. As I asked the CEO to outline the situation for me, he shared that their two top performers had quit (apparently independently). He shared they were in line to take over the company and the were supposed to step onto the executive team within the next 18 months. He was distraught and felt that all their planning had come crashing down around them with these two transitions. He asked if I would perform exit interviews for the two who quit to gain some insight.
First, I met with the executive team. Everyone said the same thing - these two guys who quit were rock stars. They were the future of the company. They were going to be nearly impossible to replace (from both a culture fit and a competency standpoint).
Then, I met with the two individuals (separately) and what I found out left me shocked. Both of them shared that they were leaving because they had hit a dead end at the company. They didn't see a path forward, they didn't feel like they had an opportunity to grow, and they were confident they would be stuck in the same role if they stayed. One of them even said he had been trying to talk with his boss for two years about his development plan - always to be told, "You have to wait it out and pay your dues, just like we all did."
When I brought this back to the leadership team, they responded with frustration - "How couldn't they have know?! They were going to be promoted to the executive team in 18 months! They couldn't stick around for 18 months?!" And that is when I get to ask the really tough questions: "Who actually told them they were going to be promoted in 18 months?" They all looked around, from person to person, until they just kind of stared at me. Then the CEO quietly (and embarrassingly) said, "Well, we all talked about it a lot."
Yeah... that doesn't count. Talk with your people about their plan. Talk with them about your plan for them. Help paint a picture of what the path looks like.
Help Them Take Ownership. If you have a great relationship with your people, there is a good chance they share their frustrations with you. This may be in regards to another department, clients, or team mates. It can be easy to validate their comments, "Ha! What else would you expect from IT?" or "Marketing always takes forever to get back to those types of requests." However, when you validate, you are helping them see themselves as victims in the situation and limits their ability to take ownership.
Instead, listen and help them figure out what they own in the situation. A few options:
-"It can be really frustrating when you hit a bottleneck with a department. Let's talk through the situation and see how you can influence in a more effective way."
-"IT often reminds us they prioritize tickets based on impact. If they are telling you it will take a few weeks to complete your request, they must have more pressing matters. Let's talk about pushing that deadline for you out so IT has time to do their thing."
Give Them Feedback. They crave it. And it is EASY to give. All it requires is you pay a little bit of attention and start a sentence with, "Thank you!" Even if it is their job to do it, if they did it to your level of expectation or exceeded your level of expectation, make sure to thank them. If they did not meet your level of expectation, then give them that feedback! "I want to take a moment to discuss x. My expectation was ____. What you delivered did not meet that expectation. Let's talk about how to close the gap between where you are on this task, and where I would love for you to be."
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MY BOSS NEEDS LOVE
Yup, even your boss needs some love! It can be lonely at the top - and you can help.
Think Proactively. Take a look at the next few weeks. What needs to be done? What would be helpful? What does your boss often ask for that you can have prepared? It is exceptional when someone takes initiative. It helps reserve capacity for other items.
Take a Task to the Next Level. Would you rank this project 5-stars? What would make it a 6-star project? Did you just finish a spread sheet that has all the data? What would take it up a notch? (The simple answer is brand it, bold the column headers, and lock the column headers). I know we often are just trying to get stuff done, but when you take a task from "meets expectations" to "truly exceptional," you are expanding your skill set and showing your value.
Be Positive. About everything and everyone. It is easy to complain about a coworker or a department. Try sharing some good news, a good interaction you had, something you appreciate about a department/project/client/team mate.
Take Ownership. Did you miss a deadline? It is easy to point your finger at someone else. However, you could have given your boss a heads up when you realized the project was slowed down. There is often a way to take ownership, it just often isn't the easy way.
Give Them Feedback. Both positive and constructive feedback are truly appreciated. I have a client who recently stepped into a formal leadership role. He was sharing that he is concerned about how his team is perceiving him. I said, "Ask them." His response? "I don't want to ask because then they might think I don't know what I am doing."
Your boss wants feedback. Sometimes it is hard for them to ask you for it. You giving it - especially unprovoked - shows so much love. Easy ways to give some positive feedback:
-Thanks for talking to so-and-so for me.
-We always appreciate when you _____ (ex. get involved with design work).
-It would be helpful if you could ______ (ex. remove this obstacle, give me feedback on something, be a sounding board) for me.
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A RANDOM STRANGER NEEDS LOVE
We have recognized the loneliness epidemic for years. Technology has enhanced our disconnect and the past two years have not helped. Every chance we have to connect with people - regardless of our relationship with them, helps show love to people.
Make Eye Contact and Smile at Them. It is easy and it takes very little effort. In a world were 33% of adults experiencing loneliness, eye contact provides very needed human connection. Eye contact and a little smile can brighten a moment, which can transform a person's hour, day, or even life.
Lend a Hand. People are not used to random acts of kindness and the gesture always catches people off guard. If you are returning your cart in the grocery store parking lot, offer to take someone else's. Give up your parking space, hold a door, pay for someone's coffee, let someone with 3 items go first.
Ask a Question. We are often in situations with strangers that require conversation. People love talking about themselves. It is a comfortable topic and they know the answers! Always ask open ended questions, this gives them room to expand on their answer.
