Communicate Your Needs: You Might Get What You Want
When organizations call and ask me to work with their people, one of the biggest topics they are interested in is communication. Sometimes they consider it conflict, sometimes they consider it difficult conversations, sometimes they even talk about it in terms of accountability, but what they are all actually asking is for help around communication. As I engage with organizations and start to dive deeper into the communication challenges they are facing, three things become abundantly clear:
1 - people have a general knowledge of, but cannot articulate, their personal communication preferences
2 - there is little respect in terms of the other person's way of processing information
3 - there is a lack of skill in how to communicate expectations
SELF-AWARENESS
When we start down the path of enhancing communication within teams and organizations, we always start with increasing self awareness. At the base of self awareness, in terms of communication, is the understanding of how you communicate. If you do not understand your natural communication preferences, you are unable to determine when that preference is serving you and when it is a hinderance in reaching your desired outcomes.
For example, it is helpful to know if you process eternally or internally:
-If you are an external processor, you will tend to think out loud. This generates energy for you and helps you sort through ideas. There are times external processors literally need to just speak out loud without needing any input from the person listening. Sometimes external processors need the back-and-forth with someone in order to synthesize their thinking and take the idea to the next level. Understanding which you need in the moment - and then being able to communicate that need - is often more important than the outcome of that thinking and often gets you what you need.
-If you are an internal processor, you tend to think through something before sharing. Making a decision doesn’t happen in a split moment and you are more confident in the outcome if you have time to think it through. The challenge is often you often feel pressure to respond immediately. Your desire is to have your voice heard and your contribution valued - but if you haven’t through about the topic, your recommendation is not ready and you tend to abstain. Being able to communicate the value you find in a pause is often more important than the outcome of that thinking and tends to gets you what you need.
UNDERSTANDING OTHERS
So we start with self-awareness - who are you and your preferences. Then we move on to increasing our understanding of others. It is eye opening to understand not everyone communicates (or thinks) just like you do. We know it - when asked about it we would all say (in rehearsed monotone), “Everyone is different,” but in our day-to-day we do not act on that truth.
A CEO recently lamented to me that a newly promoted member of her executive team was not contributing during leadership team meetings. “I want him to jump in and give his opinion!” We talked through the makeup of the team (fast-paced, action oriented, progress driven, and vocal). Then I asked her why she promoted this specific individual. “He is different than everyone else on the team. He thinks through ideas. He notices challenges before we are on top of them.”
I had the opportunity to provide some feedback, “Yet, despite these wonderful reasons you promoted him - you are asking him to conform to the rest of your teams norm. What if you and your executive team valued these differences in him? What would you do differently?” This opened a conversation about using his differences, the exact reason she brought him onto this team, to her benefit.
SETTING EXPECTATIONS
After understanding other’s preferences, I always ask the most important question:
“As much as we desperately wish others would give us exactly what we need, who do we actually have control over?”
And the voices - dripping with the frustration of self-awareness and ownership, echo, “ourselves.”
And that’s the truth - right? I can’t change the person who is communicating poorly to me.
I can’t make someone create and stick to an agenda, but I can try to be comfortable with an unclear path to reaching our objectives.
I can’t force someone to be comfortable with my pace of change, but I can try to slow it down.
I can’t require someone to research every possibility before making a decision, but I can try to make a quick decision with the information I have.
I can’t demand authentic small talk before we dive into business, but I can save my weekend story for someone else.
I can’t make someone comfortable with a high level overview, but I can try to give them more details.
And then reality sets in. I know myself and what I need in order to be successful. Now I am understanding others and what they need to be successful. I agree I only have control over me. Which means… I never get what I need and I always have to do what they want?
I run an exercise where I ask individuals to select a relationship they would like to improve. I have them diagnose different aspects of this individual and then I ask them to identify a minimum of four things that they can do to enhance that relationship. Without fail, people put items that are over-the-top accommodating to the other person. Then they jump into explaining how they will flex to that person’s need. I appreciate it - it means they are thinking about that other person and truly attempting to understand what sets them up for success. That is important, and they should work to give the other person what they need. But what they always miss in this first go-around is the idea of setting expectations.
You have the responsibility to champion for your needs. You only have control over yourself, yes, but expecting someone to understand what you need - without communicating it - is setting yourself up for failure.
“It seems like you are looking for a quick decision. I would feel more comfortable if I could look over the data in more detail. Would you be ok if I got back to you by 3:00 with my recommendation?”
“I am excited about trying this new process out. I know it is outside of our norm. Can we give it a try this week and regroup on Friday to discuss if we want to continue?”
“I am feeling anxious about meeting our objective with such a short deadline. It would help me if we had a plan for how we will accomplish this work. Would you be comfortable walking me through the agenda for tomorrow’s meeting so I know what to expect?”
A little vulnerability and the truth about what you need goes a long way. Most of the time, people want to help you be successful and they want to help the project be successful. But they can’t help if they don’t know what to do. So instead of being frustrated someone isn’t giving you what you need, start communicating what you need and why you need it. You will be surprised at how accommodating people can actually be!
