The Perfect Selfie

As Facebook emerged in 2005, we started to all move into the PR space - we have unique and powerful access to shaping our personal brands on these digital communities and we all know people check them to gain an understanding of who we are. Let's face it, the prospective boss, the mean girl in high school, the college admissions board, a prospective boyfriend or girlfriend (and their friends and family), new coworkers, ex-significant others, and basically anyone and everyone else has the power, permission, and access to digitally stalk you. We are constantly showcasing our best moments in hopes that as someone scrolls through our feed they are impressed, inspired, and/or interested. 

Yet we know our lives. We know the truth behind the shot. The scene in How I Met Your Mother, Lilly and Robin are looking through a photo album reminiscing when they begin to remember what actually transpired prior to the "perfect" photo. Robin was sick in bed and Lilly made her put on a dress for the photo - because she wanted the photo to be “perfect."

Then why, when we look though someone else's feed, do we question our lives, feel the angst of not having the perfect clothes, best job, cutest relationship, or go on the fancy dates, special trips, etc? 

I scroll through Instagram or Facebook and see how beautiful a friend looks on her way to work. Her hair is perfect, she is trying out a new mascara. She looks chique, relaxed, put together, and all around perfect. What I do not see is the pile of clothes crumpled on the bed just outside of the shot from the 45 minutes she spent trying on different outfits. I don't see the pimple on her left forehead because she made sure to showcase her right profile - which gives her that effortless look since she isn't even looking straight into the camera. And I don't see the rising panic she is feeling since she is on her way to the office to discuss a project she doesn’t feel prepared for. 

At dinner one evening, a couple was sitting across from me. When their food arrived, the young man exclaimed, “This looks awesome!” and grabbed his fork. “WAIT!” His girlfriend said as she began arranging the plates on the table and taking pictures. He rolled his eyes, folded his arms, and leaded back in his chair. After a few moments she seemed pleased with the photo she eventually took and gave them both permission to eat. 

We have access to the photo - which captures the moment - yes, but what moment is it actually capturing? The moment captured on social media is often an individual's ideal, not necessarily their reality. Our lives do not have a Valencia filter option. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes (ok, often) my curly hair chooses to want to look like a lion instead of a professional woman. Sometimes there are dishes on the counter or in the sink opposed to the perfectly organized kitchen we wish for. Sometimes my desk is covered in paper, books, and cords - but not in the cute, haphazard but perfect type of way (There is actually a #messydesk! Some of these desks are what I would consider actually messy… but most of them are beautiful! Example Example Example). 

What is the impact of this culture have on our lives?

Negative Self Image. Mills, Musto, Williams, and Tiggeman did research on “Selfie Harm: Effects on Mood and Body Image in Young Women.” What they found is “Women who took a selfie and posted it to their social media profile had increased levels of anyxiety, decreased confidence, and lowered perceived physical attractiveness compared to those who did not take a selfie.” This research was based on 15 to 25 year old women, but I can attest to hearing people (not just women) of any age express negative self image comments!

Time. They also found these young women, spend “up to 5 hours per week taking selfies and uploading them to their personal profiles” and they identify taking selfie’s has become a body checking behavior (examples of body checking behavior include repeated weighing and recurrent checking of one’s reflection). The biggest life complaint I hear is that we don’t have enough time. My assumption is we would relish in adding those 5 hours to our week!

Prompts Thought. The intentionality of posting a photo online is not all bad! That time a person takes reviewing, editing, selecting, and posting a photo can prompt thought around important questions, “Who am I?” “How do I want others to preceive me?” “What do I need to do to be seen like that?” These deep questions can support our development and actually allow us to live aligned to our values. The trick is we have to be intentional about asking ourselves these questions and answering with the long term response, not the short term impulse.

Acceptance and validation. There is an expectation we show up and a desire to be seen. Every like, comment, retweet gives us validation that someone, somewhere knows we exist. We all have a need for connection, and social gives us access to connection where we never have to get up from our couch. 

Documentation. Social creates a digital scrapbook of our lives. It is pretty amazing to scroll through and see all the (self-determined) highlights of your life. It is a tool we haven’t had access to until recently and creates a unique form of reflection. 

All of this is good to know, but what do we do about it?

Recognize the facade. You do not have to stop looking through social (let’s be realistic), but you do have to remind yourself that what you are seeing doesn’t eliminate your reality and doesn’t necessarily define theirs. If you compare your moments to the moments captured on social, you minimize the beauty you are experiencing. 

Celebrate what you see. I follow a friend on instagram. She went on a trip with a few girlfriends and they all got matching bathing suits. Their photos are stunning. Everything looked synchronized (they had matching bags as well). I have two choices in this moment - be heartbroken that my trips never look like that (they were on a private yacht) or be thrilled she had that experience, appreciate the photos and a glimpse into another part of the world, and move forward.

Identify who you are. If you haven’t done the work to figure out how you want to impact the world, it is harder to identify what represents you. Authenticity looks different for different people and only you can decide how to authentically represent yourself to your world. It is also about determining what impacts you and why. When we understand our triggers we can start to do something about them. Do the photos of the girls on the yacht impact me because I value travel? Because of the perceived dynamic relationships? Because of the glamor? Understanding the why gives me an opportunity to reassess how to incorporate that why into my life (book some travel, reach out to a contact, etc). 

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This all goes beyond social media. It is easy to blame these platforms for the lack of sight into the reality of people’s lives, but the truth is, every interaction and experience is a crafted opportunity to share your story and therefore, every moment we also experience someone else’s crafted story. We have been talking to ourselves negative before snapchat was a thing and we will be talking to ourselves negatively long after it is gone. We do, however, have the opportunity to rewrite that script. 

 An individual I know was recently laid off. His first comment was, “Of course this would happen to me - I am the one this type of thing always happens to.” I had the opportunity to remind him about the large amount of people his company had been laying off for about a year. “You really think you are the only one?” He chuckled and said, “I guess you are right.” But that self talk skews the way we interpret our place in life. It skews the way we see others. It skews how we move forward in life. 

Part of accepting the reality of our lives is recognizing there is no such thing as the perfect selfie.